


five times she didn't and one time she did

by teasockschocolate



Series: Carlwheeler Appreciation Week [7]
Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: 5+1, F/M, Fluff, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 18:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17085545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teasockschocolate/pseuds/teasockschocolate
Summary: Falling in love is gut-wrenching and heart-breaking and can make your skin crawl with all these newfound emotions you didn’t think you were capable of. But then those emotions are there and they’re forced into your face and down your throat and all you can do is choke on them and wait to die.It didn’t take too long for her to realize that she loved him.





	five times she didn't and one time she did

**Author's Note:**

> we made it!! last dayy “This is the greatest show” | Free day/ensemble 
> 
> i wanted to write an ensemble thing but ended up just doing a free thing whoops

i.

It didn’t take too long for her to realize that she loved him. It surprised her, nonetheless. He crept up on her.

When she met him she was completely ready to hate him. For him to be a conceited, privaledged little white boy who would keep to himself and who she could dislike from a distance. But then he had to go and go out of his way to work with the cast, genuinely curious about their lives and completely respectful. And then as he grew closer to the Barnums and Caroline and Helen began to stick on him like glue. One afternoon as she came into the ring to practice, she saw him in the center, one child on each leg, trying to walk to the other side. It did not make her heart skip a beat and she did not stifle a laugh.

And then he went and got them all invited to England. That was the first time he actually talked to her. He had made no effort to hide the fact that he was attracted to her over the last few weeks, from stammering until he gave up when he had to ask her for directions to a prop to openly staring, jaw slightly dropped, about any time she entered a room.

She’d been feeling incredibly seasick the boat ride there. During a brief period where W.D. had gone to the decks below, Phillip had appeared nearby. He’d leaned on the deck a few feet away from her and had made some lame comment about the weather. To which she responded by unintentionally getting sick over the edge of the boat. She waited for him to leave, but he’d taken a few steps closer tentatively, as one may approach a wild animal, and gingerly laid a hand between her shoulderblades.

“I used to get sick a lot on boats too.” He said.

“Oh,” Anne was unsure how to respond. His hand was still on her back.

“It’ll get better. I promise.”

“Well, here’s hoping.”

“I have something. Wait here,” He’d said before hurridly walking away.

She clung to the edge, very uncomfortable both physically and mentally, and only a few minutes later he returned.

“Here.” He held out a tin filled with yellow drops.

“Oh, no, thank you Mr. Carlyle. I’m fine, really.”

“They’ve helped me a lot. You suck on them and they help calm your stomach. I’ve already taken two this trip.”

She hesitantly darted her eyes between him and the extended tin. She knew better than to take medicine from a white man. But he seemed different.

“I’ll take one too.” Phillip seemed to sense the source of her apprehension and popped one in his mouth.

Well, if he was eating the same thing, Anne rationalized, plucking one for herself.

The smile he shot her any remaining hesitations to rest. Someone who resembled a puppy so closely wouldn’t hurt her.

It hadn’t been love she felt yet. But it had been the first step. A brick taken down in the pillar she’d built between herself and anyone besides her brother. It was the first time she thought that maybe Phillip Carlyle wasn’t so bad after all.

ii.

It also hadn’t taken long for her to realize just how painful falling in love is. It is nothing like the fairytales. There is no sweeping off the feet, no waltz through life, no happily ever after.

Falling in love is gut-wrenching and heart-breaking and can make your skin crawl with all these newfound emotions you didn’t think you were capable of. But then those emotions are there and they’re forced into your face and down your throat and all you can do is choke on them and wait to die.

At least that’s how she felt.

The moment he took her hand she felt like one of those fairytales. Like she had found the exception to the world. Someone who would look at her with the stars in his eyes and hold her above all else. It had been better than flying. Because this was without a rope or hoop she dangled from. This was just her soaring on a cloud of hope.

And then he’d let go.

The worst part was that she still couldn’t hate him. She told herself to, W.D. told her to, even Lettie, who’d been pushing her towards Phillip from the start, told her to let him go. If he couldn’t stick by her in a dark theater with only one couple seeing, then he would not stick by her when the entire world saw them. She knew what happened to girls like her who got enamored by men like him. She had seen girls forced to the side during the daylight in favor of a pretty blonde, and then left utterly alone with a baby who didn’t fit in either world. Hell, she was one of those babies. But she still couldn’t hate him. Couldn’t detach herself.

He had wormed his way into her heart and mind with his careless smiles and his gravelly voice and the way he truly seemed to see her. But he couldn’t know that, so she pretended to hate him. She knew she was hurting him. She could feel his eyes on her during shows, no longer following her with a quiet adoration, but a pain that gave her gooseflesh. No matter how many glares she threw in his direction, no matter how many times she’d stalked right past him, it didn’t stop the affection that had lodged in her heart.

She was angry, of course. She’d been betrayed and humiliated and she wanted him to feel awful. She wished with everything that she could force down the brief concern when she watched him drain his flask in the corner. Wished she wouldn’t feel sorry for him when Barnum left the weight of the world on Phillip’s shoulders and ran off to play with his shiniest new toy.

She couldn’t hate him. And she was beginning to realize, with a chill up her spine, that she never would. That the place Phillip had staked out in her soul was there to stay.

iii.

He told her in the dead of night, the ring empty and dark save the spotlight in the center.

She had anticipated it coming, what with the grand gestures, the openly pining looks, and the sweet words he had said all leading up to it. But knowing it would come didn’t stop her skin going cold and her eyes stinging when it came.

“I love you.”

He said it with such simplicity; a quiet statement that didn’t request or expect a response. He didn’t meet her eyes when he said it, likely scared of the look he’d receive. His eyes were mostly closed and his thumb rubbed a gentle circle on the her hip his hand rested on.

She could’ve said it back. The act of loving him wouldn’t be hard. But she couldn’t say it because she didn’t love him. For her to fully love him, the world would have to change. What he wanted, what he thought would come if she let herself love, wasn’t what would happen. The world wasn’t going to let them be happy in public. They would be scoffed at and dismissed their entire lives. They could be hurt; their children could get hurt. So it was easier to not love him. More painful now, but it was the smart thing to do.

In that moment though, with his breath warm on her face and his hand large enough to wrap around her waist and his wonderful promises fresh in the air, she could have thrown her fears aside, pushed that blockage out of the way, and loved him with all that she had.

But she stopped herself and told him he can’t, she can’t. And with throat clenching and heart sinking, she removed his hand and turned away so he wouldn’t see her cry.

iv.

She should have told him. Now it was too late.

Your fault, your fault, your fault, teased in her ear as she watched the inferno blaze. The fire had grown too high, to hot. It was crumbling upon itself, boding no hope for anything salvageable being left inside it – especially people. If she had know that his love for her was going to kill him anyway, the least she could have done given him the dignity of knowing that she loved him too.

As another beam fell, she realized fully that she was in love with him. The closed off heart she’d claimed as her excuse wasn’t really there. While her mind had protested, her heart had been loving him for nearly a year now. Maybe her whole life. And now it didn’t matter. Once again she’d let the world win. She was just as guilty in stopping their relationship as anyone on the outside world who she’d feared. In her apprehension of the world, she’d infiltrated and ruined it all herself. Would she ever stop letting the world decide her fate?

She had tried to make herself a rebel -- showing her skin in her leotard, proudly standing before the Queen of England, loving her family of freaks – but she was a hypocrite. She was more to blame than anyone else for the chaos unfolding before her. Caroline’s sobs as P.T. ran into the flames were on her. These little girls would lose their father and Charity a husband because of Anne’s stubbornness.

And Phillip. God, she loved him. He was in there now breathing smoke and stumbling blindly to find her and she wasn’t even in there. All the times she’d pushed him away and built up walls and been flatly cruel to him and he had never stopped loving her. Had never stopped trying to prove to her that she could let down her walls. All for nothing.

She’d tell him. If he got out alive, she would tell him.

v.

The words themselves had stuck in her throat, so she had tried to convey her apology and acceptance and love into the kiss. She knew that he knew. He had known the whole time. Way before she’d known herself.

She’d try to get the words out on several occasions, but had never been able to. It wasn’t that she didn’t know or couldn’t accept that she loved him. It was that the only person she had ever said it to that was still around was her brother, and while she knew Phillip intended on being here for the long term, she still had trouble shaking her fears and getting it out.

He was almost too sweet about it. She supposed after the first time she tried to say it and ended up tongue tied and on the verge of tears he didn’t want to see her like that again. He said it to her quite a few times, after each time reminding her he just wanted her to know and she’d kiss him with as much love as she could so he would know she felt the same.

She almost wished her lack of response bothered him. It would’ve given her a reason to pin her guilt on. But he was so genuinely happy to say it to her, to look her in the eyes and tell her how he loved her, that he didn’t seem to need anything else.

She figured out that she could tell him when he didn’t know.

Some nights she’d come into the make-shift office he and Barnum had carved out before the tents went up and he’d been nearly asleep against his desk. She’d come up next to him and quietly wake him, would guide him to the cot he’d thrown up in the corner. Sometimes she’d let him pull her down with him. On these nights, she’d card her fingers through his hair until sleep pulled him under.

Once she was absolutely positive that he was out cold, she’d whisper everything she couldn’t say when he was awake. How he made her feel complete in a way she didn’t know she was missing until him, how scared she was of the fierce love she felt for him, how happy she got whenever she was around him, how sad it made her that she’d pushed him away for so long, how guilty she was for making him hurt, and then over and over again how she loved him.

+i.

The snow had fallen in a thick blanket the city. The show for the night had been cancelled, giving all the cast and crew a well earned night off.

It was too cold and windy to venture into a common area, so everyone kept to their own caravans. Anne had settled in with the intention of getting a good, long sleep and to enjoy some time to herself. After nearly an hour of tossing and wrapping more blankets around her, she deemed it too cold to sleep. She stoked the wood stove and set on a kettle of water on to make herself a cup of tea. As she waited for the water to boil, she paced her caravan, grabbing a blanket from her cot and swaddling herself up in it. The kettle shrieked and she took it off carefully. She grabbed a mug for herself and her fingers lingered on her extra one for a hair before she took that down as well. She poured two full mugs and grabbed one.

Whispering to her own mug awaiting her that she’d be right back, she slipped into her boots, tugged the blanket tighter, and stepped outside. She folded into herself as snow whipped past her, twice nearly taking her down, and dashed a few trailers down. She tapped on the door and let herself in when a distracted “It’s open,” answered her.

Phillip’s trailer looked, simply put, like a tornado had blown straight through it. Heaping piles of papers and bills were strewn across the small space and the floor was littered with discarded shirts and shoes.

“Oh,” He looked embarrassed as she took in the mess with a low whistle. “I’m sorry. What is it?”

Anne held up the mug, walking over and placing it in front of him on his desk. “Brought you some tea.”

“Thank you,” Stupid as she felt for thinking it, his smile warmed her up a little bit.

"Whatcha doing?” She rounded the desk, peering over his shoulder. He exhasterarly gestured to the ledger in front of him, numbers and calculations scribbled on random sheets of paper around him. “Nope.” Anne tugged on his hand, pulling him away from the desk. “It’s a snow day. No work today.”

"Just this one more,” He protested weakly.

“Nope.” Anne flopped back on his cot, surprisingly less cluttered than she may have imagined. She held out her arms in a childlike manner, bringing out a chuckle from him.

“Alright, quick break.”

He let her tug down beside him, yelping a little.

“What is it?” She frowned.

“You’re cold!” He complained.

“Guess you gotta warm me up then.” She partially unwrapped half of her blanket, tossing it over him to cover them both.

“I can do that,” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pressing a kiss to her hair. “

She turned her head, tucking her nose into his neck and sighing a little. Between his shared body heat and the impossibly happy feeling she got just being with him, Anne didn’t know when she’d last been so comfortable. She snuggled closer, smiling into his chest.

“I love you,” She murmured into him, so softly he may not even have heard it. She didn’t intend on saying it when she headed over minutes before. But in the moment, it felt so natural.

“I love you, too,” He said back, just as serenely.

She cocked her head up, smiling. “Yeah?”

He ducked his head to kiss her. “Yeah,” He said against her lips. “So much.”

“Good.”


End file.
